documentary feels

So I know I've gotten a lot of feedback on how surprised y'all have been that I haven't blogged and it was documentary release week!  

First I'll tell you why.  

So we have been looking forward to the documentary to be released for the world to see since we started making it.  It's our first project Steve and I worked on together that sparked a lot of other incredible, deeply meaningful projects.  It became more and more as we continued to work together. We both had so much energy into the release and the social media push and trying to stay in the moment and really enjoy it.  We couldn't do anything else.  Literally the day before, the release day, and the day after.  It was wonderful and lovely and peaceful and heart bursting.  Finally we are regaining some energies and able to do other things aside from taking care of Steve and documentary.  

People who don't see our lives, may not realize the mental energy of taking care of someone is often what drains us, before the physical energy it takes.   I literally put my every ounce of energy and love flowing into Steve; even when I'm out of the room we are connected.  Unless you've seen it, you don't know that I'm constantly plugged in; and that's why it's so vital for me to take time to play in the yard, paint, journal, day dream, meditate, etc.  I need to stay fueled to keep Steve going. So to those of you that have been thinking, "Where's her blog?"  "Why doesn't she create more Hopie Hippie creations?" you know. 
I intentionally don't pile too much on my plate, I do what I can and follow the ebs and flows of life.   When I'm energized it I give thanks and use it all up and when I need to rest and reset, I do. 


People may not realize Steve & I got married after 6 months, until you watch the documentary.  That bond you see Steve and I have today, this documentary documents the beginning and progression of it.  The ability to sort of know what he needs before he tells me, that wasn't just there.  It had to grow.  You see the early clips of Steve and I just married, newly diagnosed, and newly sharing our journey.  I look at those 2 and I don't recognize them.  That's how much we've grown since then.  It was beautiful to watch the film again with Steve on Tuesday.  Because we could see how much we've gone through and celebrate that despite all of it, we are closer today than ever.

The fighting scene didn't make me cringe this time watching it, because the idea of fighting is different in my mind than it was back then.  A fight doesn't mean you don't love that person.  Fighting means you love them so much you have to say something.  You know that you can express your true, real life emotions and it's okay.  Fighting isn't unhealthy.  It's process.  Shoot, Steve and I still fight. I was being honest when I said in the documentary the caregiver/wife balance is a struggle.  I have to work at it daily.  Through each fight though Steve and I grow because we are both not only showing each other what's bothering us we are truly showing ourselves.  

The documentary still made me feel all the emotions as they do most; the tears, laughter, hope, anger, faith, inspiration.  Yes it's our story and I've watched this film probably 100 times, but honestly Steve amazes me so so so much daily.  Watching him amaze me at every step of the process as much as he does now, was a poignant reminder of how precious life is.  A reminder of how thankful I am for every single thing in my life.  As Steve progressed and continued to loose more of his freedom to ALS he grew in light.  He accepted it with a grace and peace that transforms everyone's life that it touches. I am an obvious example of this.   

I had so many thoughts going through my head watching the film again, as I do with everything in life and I wanted to share some of the poignant, funny, & maybe not so obvious ones:

"Steve's beard changed as frequent as my hair did." 
"Thank goodness I actually decorated our house."
"I miss Steve's voice."
"We did such a good capturing his voice going and the stages."
"Steve on that beach...<3<3 those are heart eyes."
"Pebble beach Steve=awakened."
"You can ACTUALLY see Steve giving me purpose on the screen."
"Singing Steve was my favorite, always singing me a song."
"Ahh Wanee, dancing with Franti; everything about that day was awesome. Coolest day ever."
"Sorry all my ex boyfriends.  FYI mostly everyone meant the Atlanta ones.  Oh and to all of you, thanks for being assholes.  Truly how would I have known we weren't meant to be together and find Steve other wise. :) Real talk." 
"That ending. I remember this day.  The last few months of Steve's voice.  Such high emotions and there's Steve being beautiful and caring more about others having to experience this and not him...ahh Gets me every time.  What a beautiful man." 

Haven't watched:

If you have supported us in this journey in every single way....thank you!!!!!  You all have made this possible, it was a beautiful experience for Steve and I to see this get to this point together.  There's been so many scares ALS has given us with Steve's health, and here he was healthy and in our magical home for this day.   So thankful. 

We have a few things coming for you this next week.  Stay tuned. ;)