I am what I judge.

Y'all, I must admit, it's a tough day to blog.  I find myself being pulled in many different directions, not unusual. I'm torn between adding to the chaos of reactions swirling around, sharing some personal stuff on my mind, or maybe even finally answer everyone's herbal questions.  I find myself equally pulled to my normal retreat.  When the noise gets loud, my response is to just shut it out; but I can't help but feel like I need to be here.

It seems self serving sometimes to believe my blog is helping anyone, it's not like I'm in Africa bringing those hurting children some clean water and food, or like I'm standing in the front lines in North Dakota giving the indigenous of our world a break from fighting so hard for our planet. I'm sitting in my comfy writing nook, safely tucked away in our little suburban bubble, as I wrap up in my favorite sweater and a cup of organic coffee because 60 degrees feels chilly to me.  However, because I can't do any of those things, because I am meant to be here taking care of my husband, and being on this path right now; writing is my offering. 

So while at some point you may get one, none, or all of the blogs mentioned above; today I'm going down a road not everyone will follow me down.  Yesterday, without understanding my reasoning, I had a wild idea to make a Facebook status asking for people to give me their opinions even if they differed from mine.  This just 3 days after I made a status telling you not to comment your oppositions on my page.  I am beginning to see why people find me so flaky. 

After yesterday's response I felt a little nudge to following this.  I'm not sure where it's going exactly, because while a part of me was able to allow people to speak and share their opinions, the other part of me did have to have a lengthy discussion with someone (the personal I hinted at above), where I felt not as quick to allow their opinion to be heard/seen.

There's this balance between allowing people the room to speak and walk their truths, and the times where maybe they need to hear the other side.  I suppose it's not an accident that as I am being shown my struggles with this balance, the whole world is.  We are after all a direct reflection.

Oh Hope, you can't say that I'm not racist.  Sure, I'm glad that MOST of you aren't; but are you lumping all of those on the other side into one group?  Because, as much as some of you might not like to hear this, some of you are doing what you say you don't like.  Hey, I'm there with you.  Seriously, pause for a second, and think about where you are with this.  Be HONEST with yourself.  Are you allowing others displaying behaviors you don't like, bring the same behavior out in yourself.  If so, will you stare it in the face with me?

Look today, I casually referred to the Donald, as that orange man running the office; and I stopped and looked at our aide who is African American and I said, "OMG, I'm racist."

She quickly said, "What no you're not Hope?"

I said, "I just called Donald that orange man.  Wouldn't I be a little racist if I said, 'That black man in office.'"

She stopped what she was doing and said, "How are you so insightful?  You're right.  You're not racist though, you caught yourself doing what we're afraid of them doing. You are okay."

Here's another struggle I had in the past 12 hours. I get into a discussion with this person, and it's immediately blindingly obvious how much we weren't speaking to each other, more at one another.  Back and forth, back and forth; neither of us willing to see the other side.  Both whole-heartedly convinced that we are right.  Of course then the words come to me, in that status I made about keeping your opinions off my page, I said, "You aren't going to change my mind."

Mostly, I thought I meant it because I was growing weary with people trying to make me feel like I wasn't allowed to have my own beliefs or thoughts; but it's because I stopped listening to others, just like I said everyone else was doing.  You are what you judge, and man it's not hidden these days.  That's why we are all feeling it.  WE SHOULD BE.  It doesn't matter what side of this you're on (even if you're floating somewhere in the middle as the rainbow trying to bridge the gap), we should all be feeling it.  You know why?

It's Trump's entire purpose.  If it wasn't we wouldn't be getting demonstration after demonstration of what isn't working being shown to us.  He's here to show us what we need work on (aside from everything).  I know we need people standing up, and speaking up, and fighting for the health of our country and those in it; but we equally need to stop and reflect on our roles in this.  

I don't care what side you are on, YOU ARE PLAYING A ROLE IN THIS.  We all are, and until we all see it; well, this is just the beginning.