Still processing....


I come writing this after a night of little sleep.   ALS goes against our human desire to understand things.  So many things happen within Steve's body that even the most trained doctor's don't understand, and in the middle of the night, when I'm trying to heal from a 5 month ear ache, I don't understand a lot.

Why does that pursuit of understanding tend to drive me in the opposite direction.  In fact it drives me more towards crazy town.  Why?  Why is it happening? 

Sometimes you just don't need the why, and that's what life is very clearly teaching both Steve and I.  That, and how to endure.  It's been ingrained in us all to distract when we are in a moment of suffering.  However, at 3 AM when there's no comforting someone, and you're also miserable, there is no distraction.  You have to sit and be there. Prior I allowed these nights to tear me apart, I mean I would go on an award winning rant on how unfair it is that this is happening to us.

I'm unsure if it's the state that our world is in right now that's given me some perspective on how despite a rough night we are incredibly blessed, or if it's exhaustion just not allowing the same reactions I once had.  I would like to mark it as growth, but if I'm honest I know I still have more work to do there.

Suddenly hours into the Steve episode, God spoke to me.  God does that to me a lot these days, and it's a rather nice thing.  I'll ask, and actually listen, and often I get a response.  Suddenly I shoot out of bed, dizzy and all, and turn off his TPN (his IV food) as Monday nights are his lipid days.  Within 5 minutes he was better.  Well, one why was answered, but now what?

Can one live without any lipids? He's down to one bag because this has happened more often than not when he's getting his lipid infusions. Which speaks to the exhaustion that it took me hours inside of this episode for me to figure out what was wrong.  As Steve sleeps off the night, I write it off; not in the figurative sense here, I mean actually pen to paper writing. Which brings me to the point of this blog.

How many of us carry around loads of unprocessed feelings, because we are too caught up in our lives and our routines to carve out any time to reflect?  How much time do we give ourselves to sit and process what's going on and how we feel about it?  So many things are happening around us, and I see it being handled in many ways.

I see those showing up for the oppressed resisting what they see as unjust, I see a lot of people throwing around words that appear to be regurgitated news stories on their responses of the resistance they are seeing around the world.  I see some people ignoring it all, making fun of it all, and some just keeping their opinions to themselves ( which if you don't speak out it IS TOTALLY okay by the way, don't allow someone to tell you how to do you). I see groups of people hurting from years of unjust shit happening, and groups of people feeling hurt because they are feeling to blame for the hurting.  In the middle of it all, what I see very little of, is people taking the time to process how THEY feel.

Not how someone told them they feel, or something they heard on the TV; but how they really feel.   When is the last time you sat aware of all that is going on around you and processed it?  If your answer to that question was I did it this morning, well then I love you, and I'm proud of you for showing up.  If it was maybe a week ago, a month, or maybe even years; well I still love you, but also suggesting maybe it's time you show up, and show up regularly.  Show up for you that is.  This one is for you.  It will have a ripple effect on those around you, but that's a bonus.

So many of us are walking around with unprocessed feelings, and it's stopping us from showing up 100% to our lives.  I say us, because I have to remind myself everyday to process it.  Trust me, I want to run away and hide from it.  I want to hide my head under the covers some days and pretend that none of it is really happening.  However, that's not how life works.  Well certainly not how a life actually lived works anyways.  

So how do you want to live?  It's a choice.  What a beautiful thing to have the privilege of choice, it's not one that is given to everyone.  Revel in that, and then think, what kind of life do YOU want to live?  Not what you see others living, or your parents told you to live, or hell even I am.  You don't want to process life, then don't do it.  Just hear this one last thing.  The process is beautiful.  It helps things make sense that once didn't.  It may not happen right away, and some days in your processing all you're doing is just actually observing all that's happening.  Then a week or two into your daily process you find yourself assimilating it.  Things will suddenly make sense, and you'll gain perspectives on how to endure in the dark.