Keep your eye on the end result

I have a confession to make. (How many are singing foo fighters now? :))

I tend to carry myself as though I don't allow the heaviness of the world get me down, or like I have my shit together really.  I don't always know why I do it, maybe defense mechanism.  The truth is, some days I'm a hot damn mess and the past few days I've been drowning in ALL of it.

The IRS investigating me, the noise of the world, student loan and financial harassment (new year, new line of collectors calling), what more can I do for Steve, trying to hustle to make money, taking class, and relentlessly trying to shine a light in all this darkness.  Yesterday as I sat on the floor unable to barely function as an adult, I couldn't help but feel like a fraud; and kept having flashbacks of well intended and well written blogs, where I'm sure I made it appear I had it all figured out.  

Here's the truth, some days I can't do anything but numbly tend to Steve's regular needs and nothing extra.  I try, I promise you I'm crawling around here trying to function or create something, maybe wipe a kitchen counter full of herbs; but damnit I can't do anything.  When I have these moments, words from a grad school professor that I obviously haven't let go of still ring in my ear, "Hope, have you ever considered you're bipolar?"

Having my masters in clinical psychology, I don't like to downplay the importance of mental health, but let's stop diagnosing everyone with a disorder for having normal human emotions, shall we?  Am I bipolar? No.  Did I feel like maybe I was yesterday and begin to talk to myself as though all I was, was a damn mess who would never get her life together.  Yep.  Sure did.  Old patterns are hard to break when you're in the thick of it.

I went to my trusty friend who is a practicing shaman, and has been teaching me endlessly from the night she walked into our hospital room to be Steve's nurse; and she said one sentence that helped me clear all of the weight.  She said, "Keep your eye on the outcome." Hearing those words lifted the weight, and helped me begin to put one foot in front of the other.  

Truth is I'm not a damn mess and seeing myself that way only creates more mess. I am a human being carrying more weight some days than I can handle; and my relentless pursuit to be able to handle it all comes crashing in on me.  

So here I am as I deal with the many tests being thrown at me, and accepting my side of responsibility for this.  My inconspicuous two last names, and lack of follow through on organizing life has caught up to me.  When you decide that maybe you're going to be a light worker the world is going to test you.  It's trying to see if you are really invested in this path. So when you get beat down, it's hard not to allow the feeling of failing tests to add to the weight.   

Why am I sharing this?   Well, for starters I know I have done nothing wrong (on the IRS side) and it's mostly a lesson in why being organized AND wildly free and creative is an important balance.  Also, because I know I'm not alone in having those days where it's hard to peel yourself off the floor; and if me sharing my journey helps one person, it's worth it.  Bonus reason, so you can understand why I've been a little more silent lately and why our paypal account is locked. 

So while I search for someone to spend some hours with Steve so I can clear up some of this nonsense, be patient with us.  If you're one of the kind souls who help support us, and have asked how to donate with our Paypal being down; you can now send money securely through Facebook messenger.  Wow, right? I said the same thing, when a donation was deposited right away the day it was made, (thank you angel who likes to remain anonymous for always shining some light our way).   I will blog regularly again soon, as I find the words that are more than spreading my shit like peanut butter on a piece of toast ;).