There is no question that gives me an allergic reaction more than, "How are you?"
I am a very keep it real kind of girl, being one who naturally finds a good I believe in as equally as the bad, so, "How am I?"
My perspective isn't the same from moment to moment, so my "How am I," changes more often than my clothes.
I am 100% okay with that fact. I am currently okay with being many things at once.
Real and optimistic. Happy with sadness. Grateful with anxiety. Its the duality of life, many people shame, that's what I am.
One minute I'm well adjusted, the next I'm in reaction mode, then on to survival, to checking out to deal with life. Slowly coming back to the ground, diving deep into practice; striving, creative, inspired, scared, grateful, nauseated, curled over in pain, feeling strong in a new yoga pose, feeling weak as I shake under 6 blankets. I am peaceful and find my acceptance while I fight, I kick, I cry, and I scream. Boy do I scream.
I share. I retreat. I doubt and I believe. I'm okay with every bit of it.
No longer do I accept anyone telling me how I should be, or expecting it to be something you can even handle hearing about.
Maybe there's a new way to ask. "How are you?" Without using the question. Maybe just check in, a quick I was thinking about you, and share what made you think of me. That's a check in that reminds us, that we are relate-able in ways beyond you wondering, "How in the hell I can possibly be okay while we are getting our asses kicked by ALS?" How can I be okay despite complications of absorption problems how despite using every ounce of energy I have inside of my being, I can't stop the infections, in fact I can't do much to "fix it"?
I'm a recovering "fixer", unable to fix anything, allowing it to break me a part little by little.
I am trying to keep up with all these thoughts, ideas, words, people, set backs, house/adult responsibilities, debt etc. Some days blissfully in the flow and remembering that I AM HOPE. Other day's I'm more chaotic than I could ever manage to explain.
So tired the thought of getting out of bed causes nausea, yet everyday I show up. I put in everything I have.
Trying to remember to slow down before life trips me up. Trying to take in every moment and being loving when I forget most of it. Eager to learn, desperate to remember, hopeful to teach.
I am certain I'm experiencing this "lifetime" of my many lives here for continued explosions in growth. Every explosion is a rebirth. With every rebirth comes loss. Comes unexplained good byes, and reminders that I am not a good communicator. I will hide from you behind a computer and avoid talking to you one on one. Bring me to a crowd and I turn electric.
I'm evolving and some days I'm stuck. I'm encouraging, and some days I tear down. Also on the other side of that pattern being encouraged and tore down.
I'm opening, understanding, and seeing more; I choose to see less. Becoming okay with selectivity, terrified by boundaries, yet amazing in time.
I am a seeker of balance. I'm a reader, and will learn you inside and out, but won't maintain the knowledge. I won't maintain a friendship but love you all the same.
Awkward and comfortable.
A total control freak, freaking out over how little control I have; taking what life hands me and making it work.
I'm dizzy. I'm embracing aging with shock with how quickly it all happens. Accepting it isn't what makes me how I am.
I'm scared to answer the question. Despite all I do to use the power of language for the positive, the darkness that comes with it, sometimes terrifies me. I stare darkness in the face and walk straight into it.
Sometimes I feel punished, sometimes blessed.
When I remember how blessed I am to be able to walk, talk, breathe, eat, have shelter, have clean water, have access to healthy foods, etc I cry.
I'm motivated, while feeling the failure with every stumble.
I am focused, I am distracted, I am driven, I am broken down.
I am driven and persistent and LOW on fight.
I always warrior up when I'm needed; and it kicks my ass equal parts good and bad.
I am foggy, I am clear. I am full of words, and I have none.
I am many things, but i'll never be able to answer your question; because you couldn't fully understand.
I am me, I am okay with it. I am more than a, "How are you?"