Hello for the first time in 2018. In the last blog, I tried to be all cute, and claim I could speak what this years words were going to be. I had the best intentions on those being my words for the year, but the year chose different words for me. Words like: humble, stretch, grow, release, are what's coming to mind.
If you follow us through any other realm than just our blog, then you know we had a recent hospital visit that almost took Steve from us again. Being septic, getting strong antibiotics, ALS and it's neurological challenges, and strong pain and anxiety medication rendered him unresponsive. He was overdosed and withdrawing at once. It was one of those moments where we didn't know what Steve would come back, if any, from this experience.
We are so blessed to have not just Steve back, but a significantly less medicated and therefore more alert Steve. Our blessings far outweigh our struggles, but I can't keep running from the struggles. This year has presented us with a financial struggle that's new to us. Without giving too many details (because I really shouldn't/can't) we can no longer sell Steve's paintings. Being on disability and making an income like we did cannot coexist, and well now we have to be really humble and ask for help.
Asking for help isn't the only way life's humbling me right now. A recent hiccup with our home health, where they almost kicked us out of their service (because they can for any reason they want to), also has left me humble. I tried to control a situation that isn't mine to control, and it definitely backed me into a corner.
A place I don't feel comfortable being in, but as they say growth doesn't happen in our comfort zones. Maybe it's because I grew 5 inches in a summers time growing up, that I remember actual growing pains; but it's happening on a much more spiritual level these days. I don't like relying on others, I don't like being out of control, and currently that's where we are residing.
So 2018, much like the past 7 years have (shout out to our 7 year meet-aversary), definitely brought up all shadows I've avoided for most of my life. This reality is truly having me meet all sides of myself, and learn to love her. It hasn't always been easy, and a lot of times it's left me only being able to take care of Steve, myself, and my immediate responsibilities (dogs, house, bills,); and leave the rest behind.
In a sense it's a release, and not one I was always willing to accept. Letting go of the need to control it all, helps me regain the control of what I do have. Trying to control EVERYTHING around me was literally making me mad. It's one of those things, where I would look back and think, would I come back from this? I felt so ragging mad I thought I was there for life. Until this past Monday, as I'm sobbing on the phone with our home health, begging them not to kick us out. I'm shouting out between tears, "I'm sorry I complained, I'm so grateful for what you all offer me, and I can't do this alone."
I couldn't figure out what about the conversation shook me so much, I couldn't stop thinking about it. It wasn't that I wanted to complain about it because I literally have to accept the situation as is, and that's a reoccurring theme this year. I'm coming to understand that the reason this conversation has stuck with me, shook me, and literally left me changed, is because I finally said the words out loud.
"I can't do this alone. "
I've been trying to for so long. Don't get me wrong, I have my in laws who I call on when I have nobody to help me turn Steve, or to help me deal with our animal roomates. I am a big bummer in the girl chats sometimes because I just need to let it all out, and I come to you all when we need support. So I am opened up to it, but not as much as I need to be.
We need more help than I've been willing to ask for. I know we are in this situation not just to be humbled and learn to ask for help, but to also slow down. We can't hustle and make that money, literally is also a message that I need to stop the hustle of it all. Hustling through routines, through miserable times, through Steve needing me, through one project just to get to the next, through the lists, etc.
My sister in law started a gofundme for us, which I haven't shared yet, because I couldn't bring myself to do it. Because I hadn't been fully knocked down to the root of it, until now. So if you have it to spare you can either donate there, if paypal is more your thing that works too, I'm on venmo (Hope Dezember) I know that's what all the cool kids are doing these days. If you don't want to give money, but want to give a supply or pay a bill we are always open to that. My pharmacy would forever be grateful to anyone paying them.
We do have some things we are working on. Our ALS chapter does do a 750 grant which they did approve me of. The problem is you have to pay the $750 first and then you get refunded, and I haven't had the money to pay 750 to anything. We also want to offer you all some gifts for donations (t-shirts and other things in the works), but again we need money to cover the up front costs.
So that's where we are. Not the easiest blog for me to write, which is why I've avoided it for so long, but here I am. Thank you all for supporting us through this journey continuously. I am forever in awe of each of you one our side.