Flashing back to me rushing to pack up all of the life Steve and I had built in our house to get ready to move in September 2020. The what if’s spiraling in my mind were my fuel to conquer each task with as little deep thought as possible to assure I would get things done!
I planned to use this chaotic energy to tackle the overflowing garage. Boxes of unsorted items stood between me and my finish line. Determined to carry on with the clearing and downsizing a friend came over to help me.
Halfway through I found myself sitting on the concrete floor sobbing and unable to string together words to explain to my friend what I found. I pull out the top folder and pass it over to her to read for herself, “Drug and Alcohol Therapy.” This box contained all the remnants of my past life as a mental health counselor.
Slowly thumbing through the box I compose myself and find that I am only able to repeat, “I don’t know how I could ever care for strangers like I did my husband,” in between the tears. Reading the literature and seeing the sad, old paychecks that barely supported my life built immediate resistance to returning to life as a counselor.
This reminder comes after celebrating my one year of deciding to return to counseling! The return was a debilitating process yet here I am! Steven Pressfield says, “The more important an activity is for your soul's evolution, the more resistance you will feel.” I resisted going back into being a counselor more than anything I have in life, and on the flip side being a counselor suits me more than anything in life.
I thought I would never be through the anxiety, grief, or trauma to be in a position to hold space for anyone. I couldn’t see it. The John O’Donohue quote, “I live like a river flows carried by the surprise of its unfolding.” rings in my head as I think about the process it took to arrive where I am today.
I used every excuse I could muster to not return to being a therapist, until everything else I tried failed. The failures redirected me time and time again, and the personal interactions continued to point me in one direction. Back to counselor Hope. Life reaffirmed my final choice when I applied to countless non-therapy jobs and heard nothing back, but the day I applied to three counseling jobs I received callbacks the same day.
The idea of starting supervision over again, the idea that I would struggle to compare problems that aren’t as severe as ALS, the idea that I would have to change every piece of me to be accepted in this world, the idea that I would have a panic attack with the first client who showed anxiety in session, the idea that I was not good enough. A small summary of the types of things that my mind created in my resistance.
Holding space for others has returned to me naturally, but perhaps what’s been the most confidence-boosting is having some personal stuff rock me but still being able to show up fully to work. I never knew my nervous system would be so strong and secure that I would be able to show up unwavering for my clients. It’s a beautiful testament to showing up to my healing and life only continues to get brighter and brighter each day falling back in love with my purpose.
If you follow me closely you already have read my musings to myself for how proud I am. You know that celebrating my wins is a huge part of my daily practice, but perhaps you may not have the full scope as to why it’s such a major accomplishment to me. I am finding my way back to my other beings while finding my home in this.
I’ve learned a lot in my year back in the counselors' chair but here is what stands out the most.
Our beliefs can enchant our lives.
Life gets clearer when you stop ruminating and tap into thoughtfulness instead.
A good life is not how it adds up in the end, but what you’re counting along the way.
Two things can exist at once. Grief and Gratitude. It’s up to us to find the balance.
Hope grows by giving it away.
Our emotions give us depth, and learning to feel them and heal them is our superpower. Our feelings are valid. Feeling them is healing them, but we don’t need to make our homes in them.
If you knew people’s stories you would have more understanding of their behaviors.
At the root, people want love. They need love.
We are more than our thoughts, but those thoughts can create our reality.
Pain comparison only invalidates your experience and stops you from healing.
