Looking out at the trees painted in their fall colors I am reminded of 5-year-old Hope, who sat in her apple tree looking out at the mountain views changing in their seasons. That apple tree was my safe space from the many traumas my childhood brain was trying to process and escape from.
Hope Homestead
As I currently brush ladybugs off of me and watch the wooly worms scoot by, I am reminded of the mountains I grew up in and my childhood. I am reminded of how much nature healed childhood Hope, but also how much writing did! I sat for hours writing poems and stories to escape from my realities. I would write poems about the trees and the clouds and would imagine myself writing children's books with these musings.
A home from a brief period of my childhood
I wasn’t the most artistic child mostly because I would rather be outside in the woods or at the creek or on my bike, but I always imagined one day I would write poems and make the art to accompany them.
I recently published my first zine which is a concept I have played with off and on since I was 5 years old and I just didn’t have the language to name it. My childhood self would be so proud of myself for finally pushing past the fear of what everyone would think to publish my work!
I have lately been using an old tool of mine where I communicate with childhood Hope in my mind. I go back and tell her some of how I have since learned to heal trauma and imagine little Hope in her apple tree learning to heal her wounds instead of internalizing at a young age that they were all her fault.
I hear my 5-year-old self shouting my praises that I finally put my work out there! I hear her knowing that this concept of writing a memoir has weighed on my heart and mind at many different phases in life to be solidified during my caregiving journey, and knowing how much I have blocked myself. How much I have worried about what everyone will think. She knows what this release of my first published writings as an adult means! I say first as an adult because my mom recently reminded me she had a poem published of mine when I was 11. See below. 😂
From 1995
If I want to make anyone in life proud it is 5-year-old me, and today I feel that in my soul. She’s proud, she also knows that this is just the start. This is the first of many zines that will follow. The act of creating the writing space I wrote about months ago meant I needed to have many different projects going.
The progress in writing a memoir to me has shown up best when I’m not putting pressure on it to be the only writing I’m focusing on. That is what led me to stare at so many blank screens unable to find words, because I would try to force the flow. Instead, allowing whatever writings that want to come out in my daily practice has opened the floodgates. Blocks no more, I have made significant progress on my book simply by allowing other free writing to take place.
PLAY in nature
My favorite form of self-care has always been play, play in nature and creativity. The boxes and boxes of journals are proof of the amount I have tapped into this. Play is at the root of what created this zine as most of the art I made that is background was made in a creative play space. The words share about a journey of healing, through seeking validation from the outside world, to learning to give this to myself, to honoring Steve who taught me how to be loved as a woman who was always longing for the right kind of attention and love.
The pieces included in this zine are highly personal and this feels like a great big step out into putting my work out into the world. I already am working on other zine theme ideas I am feeling called to make so more will follow.
I have a goal to sell 100 as my first zine and I am halfway there so if you want to support childhood and adult me I would be so thankful! I also truly hope the words and art touch a part of your soul, bring some healing and inspiration, and mean as much to you as they do to me!
Thank you to everyone who has supported me in every capacity. These practices & your support continues to make my wildest dreams come true. I’m celebrating today with my 5 year old self but hope to see many of you in person soon to celebrate all our accomplishments soon. CELEBRATION IS HOW WE SURVIVE the chaos of our times. Self care is how we survived these times. This Zine is my survival. You support my dreams, you support my survival. What a huge moment.
FOREVER THANKFUL FOR YOU