The moment I realize we need to go to the hospital I cry. I cry when we hit financial problems, progress set backs, the wind blows over my green house ruining all my seeds for the garden, seeing hurting animals, feeling scared with a complication, not knowing what to do, when I'm mad; I could keep going but I think you get the point.
Despite me often try to teach others how important it is to feel their emotions and not to feel bad about them; I was playing a major shame game. Not just for me, but for Steve, strangers on facebook, family for arguing with me, people for disappointing me, I don't know maybe even a world leader we may be familiar with. You get shamed, you get shamed, EVERYONE IS A DAMN SHAME!
shame
SHām/
noun
1.
a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
Emotions, real interactions, feelings, and responses aren't what's wrong here; its' shaming myself for feeling them. I then in turn shame a load of other people for doing something I "perceive" as wrong. As though, it's my choice to decide how they should be, and what they should be doing. Of course I shame others, I shame myself.
Shame is maybe the most debilitating act one can take on oneself, so why would I ever want to put that on anyone. I want to be love, show love, spread love; and that is certainly not happening in the shame game.
Here's the thing, we have been conditioned to feel shame, and in turn shame others; and we as a collective have stopped understanding the human condition, and we've been playing one big, messy shame game.
The day of this hospital visit, I cried and cried to Steve and my mom, and complained to a few others how I had no help, no working car, and just really felt the fear and sadness that is a huge part of life with ALS; and I felt awful about it. I told about 20 people, I can't be what Steve needs me to be anymore, because I felt so much shame for feeling and releasing the feelings. Of course Steve doesn't need me to be a robot; he needs me to feel what I need, release it, and warrior up; like I do. Often as I sing, "You can do it, put your back into it." If you don't know that song, yay for me having young blog readers. ;)
The more aware I become, the more I see the true mirror reflecting back at me, as I interact with the outside world. The more shaming I'm doing to others, the more I need to see it within myself. I clearly haven't completely quit the shame life; but awareness is the first key. Learning to allow yourself to feel, to be human; and to not shame yourself for being you, is probably the key to a happy life. Because emotions are real, crying about feeling stress, sadness, fear, and frustration certainly isn't a shame. It's life.