How are you?

There is no question that gives me an allergic reaction more than, "How are you?"

I am a very keep it real kind of girl, being one who naturally finds a good I believe in as equally as the bad, so, "How am I?"

My perspective isn't the same from moment to moment, so my "How am I," changes more often than my clothes.  

I am 100% okay with that fact.  I am currently okay with being many things at once. 

Real and optimistic. Happy with sadness. Grateful with anxiety. Its the duality of life, many people shame, that's what I am.  

One minute I'm well adjusted, the next I'm in reaction mode, then on to survival, to checking out to deal with life.  Slowly coming back to the ground, diving deep into practice; striving, creative, inspired, scared, grateful, nauseated, curled over in pain, feeling strong in a new yoga pose, feeling weak as I shake under 6 blankets.  I am peaceful and find my acceptance while I fight, I kick, I cry, and I scream.  Boy do I scream. 

I share. I retreat. I doubt and I believe. I'm okay with every bit of it. 

No longer do I accept anyone telling me how I should be, or expecting it to be something you can even handle hearing about. 

Maybe there's a new way to ask. "How are you?" Without using the question. Maybe just check in, a quick I was thinking about you, and share what made you think of me.  That's a check in that reminds us, that we are relate-able in ways beyond you wondering, "How in the hell I can possibly be okay while we are getting our asses kicked by ALS?" How can I be okay despite complications of absorption problems how despite using every ounce of energy I have inside of my being, I can't stop the infections, in fact I can't do much to "fix it"?  

I'm a recovering "fixer", unable to fix anything, allowing it to break me a part little by little.  

I am trying to keep up with all these thoughts, ideas, words, people, set backs, house/adult responsibilities, debt etc.  Some days blissfully in the flow and remembering that I AM HOPE.  Other day's I'm more chaotic than I could ever manage to explain.  

So tired the thought of getting out of bed causes nausea, yet everyday I show up.  I put in everything I have.  

Trying to remember to slow down before life trips me up.  Trying to take in every moment and being loving when I forget most of it.  Eager to learn, desperate to remember, hopeful to teach.  

I am certain I'm experiencing this "lifetime" of my many lives here for continued explosions in growth.  Every explosion is a rebirth.  With every rebirth comes loss.  Comes unexplained good byes, and reminders that I am not a good communicator.  I will hide from you behind a computer and avoid talking to you one on one.  Bring me to a crowd and I turn electric.  

I'm  evolving and some days I'm stuck.  I'm encouraging, and some days I tear down.  Also on the other side of that pattern being encouraged and tore down. 

I'm opening, understanding, and seeing more; I choose to see less. Becoming okay with selectivity, terrified by boundaries, yet amazing in time.  

I am a seeker of balance.  I'm a reader, and will learn you inside and out, but won't maintain the knowledge.  I won't maintain a friendship but love you all the same. 

Awkward and comfortable.

A total control freak, freaking out over how little control I have; taking what life hands me and making it work. 

I'm dizzy.  I'm embracing aging with shock with how quickly it all happens.  Accepting it isn't what makes me how I am. 

I'm scared to answer the question.  Despite all I do to use the power of language for the positive, the darkness that comes with it, sometimes terrifies me.  I stare darkness in the face and walk straight into it. 

Sometimes I feel punished, sometimes blessed. 

When I remember how blessed I am to be able to walk, talk, breathe, eat, have shelter, have clean water, have access to healthy foods, etc I cry. 

I'm motivated, while feeling the failure with every stumble.

I am focused, I am distracted, I am driven, I am broken down.

I am driven and persistent and LOW on fight. 

I always warrior up when I'm needed; and it kicks my ass equal parts good and bad.

I am foggy, I am clear. I am full of words, and I have none.  

I am many things, but i'll never be able to answer your question; because you couldn't fully understand.  

I am me, I am okay with it.  I am more than a, "How are you?" 

Shame on you...

The moment I realize we need to go to the hospital I cry.  I cry when we hit financial problems, progress set backs, the wind blows over my green house ruining all my seeds for the garden, seeing hurting animals, feeling scared with a complication, not knowing what to do, when I'm mad; I could keep going but I think you get the point. 

Despite me often try to teach others how important it is to feel their emotions and not to feel bad about them; I was playing a major shame game.  Not just for me, but for Steve, strangers on facebook, family for arguing with me, people for disappointing me, I don't know maybe even a world leader we may be familiar with.  You get shamed, you get shamed, EVERYONE IS A DAMN SHAME! 

shame

SHām/

noun

1. 1.

   a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

Emotions, real interactions, feelings, and responses aren't what's wrong here; its' shaming myself for feeling them.  I then in turn shame a load of other people for doing something I "perceive" as wrong.  As though, it's my choice to decide how they should be, and what they should be doing.  Of course I shame others, I shame myself. 

Shame is maybe the most debilitating act one can take on oneself, so why would I ever want to put that on anyone.  I want to be love, show love, spread love; and that is certainly not happening in the shame game. 

Here's the thing, we have been conditioned to feel shame, and in turn shame others; and we as a collective have stopped understanding the human condition, and we've been playing one big, messy shame game. 

The day of this hospital visit, I cried and cried to Steve and my mom, and complained to a few others how I had no help, no working car, and just really felt the fear and sadness that is a huge part of life with ALS; and I felt awful about it.  I told about 20 people, I can't be what Steve needs me to be anymore, because I felt so much shame for feeling and releasing the feelings.  Of course Steve doesn't need me to be a robot; he needs me to feel what I need, release it, and warrior up; like I do.  Often as I sing, "You can do it, put your back into it."  If you don't know that song, yay for me having young blog readers. ;)

The more aware I become, the more I see the true mirror reflecting back at me, as I interact with the outside world.  The more shaming I'm doing to others, the more I need to see it within myself.  I clearly haven't completely quit the shame life; but awareness is the first key.  Learning to allow yourself to feel, to be human; and to not shame yourself for being you, is probably the key to a happy life.  Because emotions are real, crying about feeling stress, sadness, fear, and frustration certainly isn't a shame.  It's life. 

Spring Blossoms and Journeys Inward.

Well, hello there. :)  I'm back.  Thanks for understanding my need for a step away.  I know there is this push for us to always be speaking our truths, and always pushing forward in the resistance; but truthfully there's a need to focus on YOU as well.  So if you're like me and need to step away time and again, don't let the world make you feel bad about it.

Sometimes the only thing that makes sense in this noisy world is to shut it all out, and turn inward.  Asking yourself, am I on track with my desires for my life?  Am I living my truth, or one the world is trying to put on me?   It is easy to get lost in the noise, and to forget who YOU are. In times like these where everyone has an opinion, and you're hearing so many different people speak out, it's easy to get influenced by everyone around you.  

I have a sure tell test I use to determine if I'm in my truth or someone else's; it's to sit for 10 minutes in silence and then ask myself, "Where did this truth come from?"  If it came from an article I read on the internet, or a facebook post, or a conversation you had with friends, is it mine?  Not necessarily.  I believe a lot of us just feel caught up in the passion of those around us, and forget to think, 'do I align with this thought?'  'Is this really something I feel passionately about?' Of course, these things can educate us, and help us to truly adapt to new ways of thinking; but if we don't take the time to ourselves to process all the information being handed to us, how do we know?  

I've noticed the times I am able to make the most positive impact on the world, is when I'm aligned with my truths, when I speak on issues I'm knowledgeable and passionate about; instead of if I just regurgitate some information I read in an article, not knowing if I truly understood the point.  So while you may notice some of your favorite people you follow are maybe being more silent, more precise with their words or actions; it's because it takes work to be able to keep that light shining.  I find myself drawn to those practicing discernment in what they post about, and not just spreading more anger and fear.  

There's obviously a lot going on around us, really there always has been, it just hasn't always been in our faces like things are these days.  There is a need for people to be leading in action, standing up for injustices they see, and using their voices to educate; but it needs to come from a grounded place.  Yesterday's new moon and eclipse was a great time to let go of something that is no longer serving us, to make room for what does.  What in your life is stopping you from leaping forward in growth?  What's stopping you from your goals, or the life you desire for yourself? 

This moon reminds us, that in days like today, action will speak louder than words.  Speak as much as you would like to, but follow it with action.  Silence is an underused tool, that I find myself familiarizing with.  It's easy to speak about what you don't like, but it takes courage to show up and do something.  It takes knowledge to know what to do, follow through to do it, and consistency to alchemize this action into something tangible.  Taking what we see as unjust in the world, and turning into a way for us to spread light, is my kind of revolution.  It's the revolution that will stick.  It's showing up for your friends again, it's volunteering with a cause that we are passionate about, it's about being mindful to our surroundings and speaking up if we see injustice, it's showing kindness to everyone regardless of where they stand, it's following up our words with actions, it's education, and listening, and taking time to breathe.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, or like you can't possible participate in action; maybe you need to spend some time inward.  When is the last time you sat in silence, even if you're not meditating but not filling yourself with news, and news feeds, and TV dramas?  When is the last time you checked in with how you felt about something, or picked up a pen and jotted down all those thoughts in your mind?  When is the last time you created something, or spent time outside, or gave yourself love?  If it's been a minute, take some advice from me, don't wait until you reach burn out; like I often have in the past.  Being in tune with your needs, will go a long way in being in tune with those needs around us.  

If you're one who loves to follow the moon and the energy behind it, sign up for my newsletter (click home page & you will see a place to sign up. :)) I will be sending a newsletter every new and full moon (as long as we are home and Steve's stable of course).   I love you all, and truly hope that you can live your best life while here in this life.  <3. 

Say yes to growth.

Thank you all for your lovely words on my last blog, a lot of you reached out to me sending encouragement, and that is very much what I needed.  After some days to process things, I am able to see what was a bit of a bummer situation for what it is; a chance for growth, and not just for me.  

Something that I will hold on to is the understanding that it is okay to feel the overwhelm sometimes. I follow my blog analytics and it's very clear to me, that most that read my blog, aren't daily readers; I'm still working on you all. :) So those that read a blog here and there, may not understand how much I am a believer in sitting in your shadow.  It's important work.  The darkness brings me the vast majority of growth, it shows me the world without the rose colored glasses.  Another thing you may not be aware of is, that while I may have a day that I do just sit on the floor and allow my dogs to lick my face and cuddle me; it's not how I spend the bulk of my shadow work.  I'm there searching for the lesson, the understanding, and fighting my way back to the light.  

I've received mixed responses when I share my views on "not setting up camp"in the darkness. It's because there is no fixed "how long to experience your darkness" that goes across the board. If someone tries to tell you there is a rule to this, I promise it's their own personal rule. It's a very personal experience, and while some do like to set up camp and spend several months there, I find too many blessings in my immediate surroundings for me to spend more than a couple of days.  I hope you never allow anyone to make you feel less for staying true to you.  If you need to set up camp, you do you boo.  

So here's my take on shadow work.  Typically I'm triggered to get there, my normal disposition isn't to sit and focus on the bad; so sometimes life has to throw something on my path to knock me down to the floor.  It's important, because it's how I respond while I'm down there that is telling to how much I'm growing.  It's easy to shine and be able to bring the magic when you're walking in the sun; it's how well you handle the falls that really shows you who you are. It's not always pretty, of course some days I think, "Shit, that's how I just responded to that, what's wrong with me?"  That is not the importance of shadow work, and it's just a distraction to try to keep you there longer.   It's an opportunity to use the negative for transformation.  To stare at the darkness and say, how do I grow from this place?  

Coming out of the shadow in dark times, isn't always an easy thing to do.  It's hard for me not to think, well the world is literally staring at it's shadow right now; shouldn't I be hanging out in the dark with them?  Again, it's personal, I am of course still concerned and tuned in to what is going on around me; but mostly my focus is on myself during these times.  So often, I have to disconnect a little from the world.  I know we are in days where our voices are needed, and it's truly important not to be silent during these times; but I also know there is a balance to this and if I need some separation it IS OKAY.  

Ultimately I have found my shadow is often a reminder of my power.  While I'm there seeing my truths, I am seeing the areas I need to grow, the areas that are still tripping me up; I also get shown the areas where the essence of me is coming out of the dirt and developing into a beautiful flower.  Of course, studying soil the past two days, has me so focused on flowers I can't help but see myself as one, but it's that visual that reminds me of how okay it is to come out of the dark.  To be okay with things not being exactly as I would want them, that if I trust and say yes to my own growth, my flowering essence will shine light for others to find their way out of the darkness too.  

I'll write next week more on the IRS bonanza as it has the workings of opening me up and opening up some others directly involved in our lives.  For now, I am seeing the end result, and am practicing grace with how the resolution unfolds.  Bonus, I'm finally giving into organization, what you resist persists.  I'm saying yes to growth.  

Keep your eye on the end result

I have a confession to make. (How many are singing foo fighters now? :))

I tend to carry myself as though I don't allow the heaviness of the world get me down, or like I have my shit together really.  I don't always know why I do it, maybe defense mechanism.  The truth is, some days I'm a hot damn mess and the past few days I've been drowning in ALL of it.

The IRS investigating me, the noise of the world, student loan and financial harassment (new year, new line of collectors calling), what more can I do for Steve, trying to hustle to make money, taking class, and relentlessly trying to shine a light in all this darkness.  Yesterday as I sat on the floor unable to barely function as an adult, I couldn't help but feel like a fraud; and kept having flashbacks of well intended and well written blogs, where I'm sure I made it appear I had it all figured out.  

Here's the truth, some days I can't do anything but numbly tend to Steve's regular needs and nothing extra.  I try, I promise you I'm crawling around here trying to function or create something, maybe wipe a kitchen counter full of herbs; but damnit I can't do anything.  When I have these moments, words from a grad school professor that I obviously haven't let go of still ring in my ear, "Hope, have you ever considered you're bipolar?"

Having my masters in clinical psychology, I don't like to downplay the importance of mental health, but let's stop diagnosing everyone with a disorder for having normal human emotions, shall we?  Am I bipolar? No.  Did I feel like maybe I was yesterday and begin to talk to myself as though all I was, was a damn mess who would never get her life together.  Yep.  Sure did.  Old patterns are hard to break when you're in the thick of it.

I went to my trusty friend who is a practicing shaman, and has been teaching me endlessly from the night she walked into our hospital room to be Steve's nurse; and she said one sentence that helped me clear all of the weight.  She said, "Keep your eye on the outcome." Hearing those words lifted the weight, and helped me begin to put one foot in front of the other.  

Truth is I'm not a damn mess and seeing myself that way only creates more mess. I am a human being carrying more weight some days than I can handle; and my relentless pursuit to be able to handle it all comes crashing in on me.  

So here I am as I deal with the many tests being thrown at me, and accepting my side of responsibility for this.  My inconspicuous two last names, and lack of follow through on organizing life has caught up to me.  When you decide that maybe you're going to be a light worker the world is going to test you.  It's trying to see if you are really invested in this path. So when you get beat down, it's hard not to allow the feeling of failing tests to add to the weight.   

Why am I sharing this?   Well, for starters I know I have done nothing wrong (on the IRS side) and it's mostly a lesson in why being organized AND wildly free and creative is an important balance.  Also, because I know I'm not alone in having those days where it's hard to peel yourself off the floor; and if me sharing my journey helps one person, it's worth it.  Bonus reason, so you can understand why I've been a little more silent lately and why our paypal account is locked. 

So while I search for someone to spend some hours with Steve so I can clear up some of this nonsense, be patient with us.  If you're one of the kind souls who help support us, and have asked how to donate with our Paypal being down; you can now send money securely through Facebook messenger.  Wow, right? I said the same thing, when a donation was deposited right away the day it was made, (thank you angel who likes to remain anonymous for always shining some light our way).   I will blog regularly again soon, as I find the words that are more than spreading my shit like peanut butter on a piece of toast ;).  

If I can accept responsibility, I promise you can too; you can handle this.

I have always felt a sense of responsibility for doing anything I could to help; to help people, our planet, the collective well being, etc.  This responsibility is one of the first solid pieces of my personality that I can identify.  It's a large reason why I was able to chose love and marry Steve, and let go of any bit of fear that would try to stop me. 

I stepped into this role very well aware of the responsibility it would take, and was totally up for it. I never knew how to prepare for something like this, but just trusted I would figure it out. In the midst of some of our craziest times, I would be given little gifts of knowing how to handle it. I pulled from every stage of my life and the lessons they provided me. When I was able to take a step back, I was given clear insight on how my entire life has prepared me for this moment.  It's the reason I am on that up hill trudge of book writing, and why I blog; why I share so much of my life and what we have going on in this moment. 

This blog is often all over the place, speaking out about more than just ALS or what affects JUST US, because I follow the pull I have come to trust, it guides me well.  I've never had such an understanding of why I am where I am in my life.  It's probably why I am able to take in so much, and still shine light, because it's what I'm created for.

Now, as I stand here on the same level as you, because I'm not on a pedestal; I'm here with you, I want to ask you to look me in the eye.  Can you please look at me, and tell me are you showing up fully?  To me showing up, isn't about me.  It isn't about what's best for me.  Trust me I have learned balance with self care and having to show up for myself; but that will never mean that other people stop mattering.  Showing up, is understanding how every person matters.  

This also goes into animals and the planet.  Showing up, means you realize that we are given voices, and capabilities not just to have followers, notoriety, or making something pretty; It's to use those things to stand up for the greater good for ALL OF US.  Not just for you.  That's not showing up fully to life.  

If someone else is being shown injustice, it does directly impact me which will then impact everyone who follows me, which will then spread in what direction they take it; leading to a ripple effect.  The ripple effect is God's way to try to remind us that whether we are willing to see it, we ARE connected.  Same goes with our planet, if you're disconnected you might believe it's out of our hands but I promise with the rate of people just accepting more drilling, fracking, oil, etc you will have to face this problem a lot sooner than you could prepare for.  I also promise that if we ALL did something about it, we could slow this all down.  We can't forget our role we play in all of this. We can't forget our responsibilities.  

I feel the speed at which we are moving, and as hard as we all are trying to stand firm in our positions, the world's shaking us up.  It's shaking everyone awake.  If you aren't awake yet, just give it time, all of what is happening WILL impact you.  So what do we do with this responsibility?  Do we simply share articles that prove our point or are we being a part of the change.  

There's a reason I'm studying gardening/repairing soil and herbs so much, there's a reason I'm on my hustle game to try to get enough money to invest into these renewable s out there. There's a reason I'm sitting here taking time from my day to blog.  There's a reason I'm tuning into myself and my needs while I still exert large amounts of energy to show up for others. There's a reason Steve and I use our little platform in this world to speak up. 

I know that by me accepting the responsibility it reminds you, of how capable you are of doing the same.  You all may look at me like I'm some crazy person, or maybe a super hero; but you are JUST AS CAPABLE, you are just as powerful, and you have just as much of that super hero in you.  I just was given the gift of seeing it in myself.  So please, now that you're doing looking at me, look at you.  Look at how much YOU CAN DO.